It’s a feeling of dread. A feeling of sadness. Unworthiness. Unrecognized. Uselessness.

My confidence drowns in this ocean of feelings. Although I might have a stable income, a supportive family and a good number of friends, I still am infected by it – loneliness.

I wonder if I’m needed. It feels as if whatever I’m doing now is insignificant. Days passed by like sand in an hourglass, time is wasted as I have achieved nothing but aging. My life story becomes like a bland dish, without any spices or even a supply of good nutrients. The question is, will I ever be satisfied?

What do I really want in life?

Recognition by others of my career, my possessions or a perfect social life?

To be able to provide for my family with all the luxuries in life?

To be able to afford the luxuries of life?

Or just lead a meaningful and significant life?

Or is it I am just not liking the situation I am in right now – incompetent, confused, alone, backwards, or alone?

Maybe because I do not like to be at the end of the race. I want to improve myself, so many things at once, but somehow there are other priorities in life I have to attend to. Do I know what I really want?

The truth is, I do know what I want. But, to no surprise, I am afraid of all the change I would have to endure to do it. But this is life, I guess. You have to strive for what you want.

1)    & nbsp; I want to lose weight.

2)    & nbsp; I want to get a master’s degree. Before I turn 35.

3)    & nbsp; I want to learn a new skill – whether it’s language, or a career skill.

4)    & nbsp; I want to travel to a foreign country – preferably Europe.

5)    & nbsp; I want to renovate our current house.

6)    & nbsp; I want to get back to God. I want to be complete spiritually.

7)    & nbsp; I want to enjoy life with family and friends

8)    & nbsp; I want to become competent in my work. I want to be the person they would appreciate.

9)    & nbsp; I want to stop feeling not worthwhile. I want to do something meaningful for others.

10)   I want to have a peaceful and happy mind – I don’t want to feel envious of others.

I want to achieve all of this. But would I be truly happy if I did? Its my problem I couldn’t do all I want. Its time I work hard. Its time I make my life the way it should be. I should be more diligent, hardworking, and helpful to others. Gossips are for losers – who am I to judge who’s who?

I understand. My main problem in life is – FOCUS. I can’t focus on one thing. I have too many ideas, and none that I spend enough time to make it happen. I have to concentrate. I have to start working hard. It’s my life. I decide how I run it. 

1)    & nbsp; Career

-    & nbsp;   &n bsp; For this coming 7 months, I have to focus in getting my job right. This includes understanding my job description, trying to outline what I could or not do, improving what I lack in knowledge and skill. (quality implementation, techniques) Check quality of slides, reagents, chemicals. Start screening slides. Take part in sampling. Look for opportunity to learn more and studying.

2)    & nbsp; Health

-    & nbsp;   &n bsp; I have to be more disciplined in what I eat and times I exercise. I may have to enroll in a aerobics programme.

3)    & nbsp; Financial

-    & nbsp;   &n bsp; I have to start budgeting wisely. Keeping money for vacations, and other entertainments. As well as planning to get a loan for rebuilding my house.

4)    & nbsp; Spiritually

-    & nbsp;   &n bsp; I have to go back to church. Take a friend to join me. Ask a friend to guide me.

5)    & nbsp; Mind

-    & nbsp;   &n bsp; I have to keep my mind open. And learn more so as to be more knowledgeable and humble to others. I have to stop being envious of others.

I should always remind myself of this. Always. No more feeling of dread.

It’s been a while since she was left alone in a house. Since the move, her parents had been with her all day, arguing, unpacking, constantly changing the furniture set-up, arguing, fixing around the house and of course, - arguing. It was hard, the fact being they were moving into a smaller but newer home. Everyone was surprised how they had gotten the house so cheap – almost 40% off market price. Must be haunted, she confided her parents. But they just laughed at her remarks.

Tonight it was the first time she was left alone, after weeks of tolerating her parents’ arguments. Her father had won two tickets to a famous opera showing at his office’s yearly employee Lucky Draw and that means, she was going to be on her own for almost four wonderful hours. The house was at her command. She waited until her parents, all dressed up, and walking out the door (reminding her the important numbers by the phone if any emergencies occur for the hundredth time – please, she was almost 17) before she started running the plans she had in her head. She will first have a long and relaxing bath. Her mother never liked her staying in the tub too long; she believed it would give her ideas. She understood her mother, having watched Pleasantville about ten times. Of course, she’s still a virgin. Her mother really knows her.

She had been trying to start the experiment of pleasuring herself all this while. But her mother was like a hawk watching her every move. No closing the bedroom door unless she was undressing. Her father thought it was all just the mother protecting daughter mumbo-jumbo. The internet was set-up with parental monitoring, which means she will never venture into the certain graphic websites. Porn , that is.

The fact is, as any normal sixteen (almost seventeen) old girl, she was curious. The best foreplay she got was in a public bus at the peak hours, where her breast had accidently grazed an innocent looking young man in front of her. However, she had an infinite imagination. From movies and comic books her friends lent her, she knew enough. Sometimes she read graphic romance stories (this her mother does not object to – at least she’s reading) and she found that by touching herself, it had made the experience almost real enough

But tonight it was different. It was her chance. She has gotten a tape from one of her promiscuous friends, a tape that would surely satisfy her animal needs. She had felt the burning sensation between her thighs all week, images from foreplay to the aftermath running through her mind. Tonight she will end the longing. Tonight she will become a real woman.

She lighted the candle and slipped her naked body into the tub. In the warm water, her hands started exploring her body from her heaving bosom to the forbidden place at her crotch. She was anticipating. What? She wondered.

Actually there was already a story of her first intimate escapade sketched in her head. He was downstairs waiting. A tall young Adonis, with dark brown hair and green eyes waiting for her in the living room. They were going to watch the movie together, before starting to get on themselves. She was that weird. And horny.

She made her nipple harden, touching it with her fingers. Her right hand was covering her pubic area, fingers afraid of touching the sensitive place. She didn’t know why, something was holding her back. She stood and stepped out of the bathroom, looking at her naked self in the bathroom mirror. She is perfect. Her breasts was average size but perky. Her pubic hair did not conceal her labia completely. She had just shaved the other day. She walked into her parents’ bedroom and rummaged through her mother drawers. She found a very revealing lingerie outfit, dark purple- lace covering the chest and a sheer wine-red skirt flowing down just below the thighs. There was also a sexy panty to match, the fact it had a slit open all the way through on the middle. She put them on to see the effect. Her reflection on the mirror took her breath away. This is what will also leave her imaginary Adonis breathless.

Walking down the stairs, her heart thumping, her skin tingling – she imagined her man waiting her at the sofa. She saw him in her mind; in a white unbuttoned shirt and dark colored jeans with the first button unfastened. He sat lounging in the sofa, his legs apart, revealing the bulge she had been longing for all this while. She smiled at him and told him to wait while she put on the movie on VCR. Settling herself down next to him, she purposely bent a little to reveal her cleavage – looking down at herself and imagining the expression on his face. The movie went on, and she started stroking the pillow beside her, imagining it was his bulge. When the actor and actress started touching each other, she mimicked, fondling herself and the pillow beside her.

Let’s do it. She heard him whisper. Or else she had imagined him to. She straddled on the pillow and started grinding to it, feeling her clitoris against its hard thread material. Her eyes never left the engaging couple in front and their moans had brought her sexual fantasies to life. She felt a surge of sexual desire filling in her, she wanted more, she needed to have more. After a while, she felt really in the heat and she decided to head on to her bedroom, where it was safer and much more comfortable. Imagine her parents coming home finding her in this compromising position! She will never be left alone again.

Quickly turning off the TV and taking back the tape, she practically skipped all the way up the stairs to her bedroom. She locked the door, a thing she had not able to do for a while. Better her mother finding her door locked than her masturbating. There she said it. She is going to masturbate tonight. After hiding the tape carefully in her bag, she climbed into her bed. All she had was a bolster to substitute for a man. She lay down with her back on the pillow, closing her eyes and started feeling her breasts. She fondled them, playing with her nipples, making breathing difficult. Her fingers traveled to her crotch and she started rubbing her vulva over the lingerie skirt. She was already wet and she continued to rub until she felt something building up in her. It was lust.

She slipped her hand under the skirt and searched for her clitoris. There it was, so soft, so sensitive, so….wanting. She started playing with it, her breathing turned shallower, she was starting to moan. She moaned louder, because she knew she could. And it sent ideas up her head. Her Adonis was beside her. It was his hands, not hers fondling and touching her. It was his lips on her nipples, not her pre-licked fingers. His fingers had found the opening between her vulva and she wanted to feel them in her. She was about to put her fingers in when something happened. Someone whispered.Let me help you.

She sat up. Who was it? Was that her guilty conscience talking to her? Or her Adonis had become real?

Suddenly she felt a sensation between her legs. There were fingers – invisible fingers in caressing her vulva. She froze. The fingers, so skillfully, caressed her sensitive clitoris, slipped between her vulva and found the opening. They inserted themselves in and she felt them turning inside her, rubbing all the sensitive spot. Find my G-spot, she thought. Or she must have said it. Because the fingers found it and that had sent an electric surge into her body, she perspired and a moan escaped from her mouth. She couldn’t see him. But he was there. There’s a ghost on my bed, her thoughts echoed. I should be scared. But she was not.

Instead, she lifted her legs apart much wider, inviting him. She rested her hands by her side, asking him or the thing, whatever it was, to pleasure her more. It understood. It was like a hundred hands were touching her everywhere. Her neck, breasts, navel, clitoris, vulva, thighs and her toes.  She felt them, they were getting warmer and she was getting hotter. She was moaning, calling for more, and it answered her by touching and caressing her more. She had a sudden urge to find his bulge, his hardened genitals – his penis. It was as if He heard her, she felt it brushing against her thighs. Her hands came up to it. She found it, enclosed it with her fingers and started stroking it. He whispered in her ear , “Close your eyes and you shall see.”

She did what he told her, and she saw him. Her real flesh Adonis. His penis was hard and dark flesh colored. She was holding it. She stroked it and started pumping. His handsome face screwed up in ecstasy and he tilted his head back, moaning. She could hear him. She could see him. She almost could smell him. She had an urge to taste it. But he held her hand, and bent himself down to her vulva. He started licking and sucking on her vulva. She felt his tongue escaping into her vagina. She was getting really wet down there.

My turn, she said and pushed him up when she felt she couldn’t take anymore. Her eyes was closed, but in her mind, she saw where his penis was. She opened her mouth and enclosed the head of the penis, sucking it momentarily. He moaned and thrust his hips forward. He wanted it all in. She thought it was impossible. But it was not. She felt it sliding down her throat. It didn’t hurt her a bit. Because he was unreal. She continued moving her head towards him, her wet mouth stroking him, which excited him more and he was moaning louder.

It was as if he sensed her want and her needs. He pushed her down the bed. She saw him in her mind, his handsome face reflecting the need too. He pushed her inner thighs apart and moved his hips closer to her crotch. He brushed the tip on her vulva, teasing her and she pleaded him to get on with it. She felt his penis entered her slowly and immediately her muscles tightened all around his. He began thrusting forward, slowly at first and letting her feel him at every thrust. He rocked faster, in rhythm with their breathing. They continued until she climaxed.But still, it was not enough.

He lifted her so she straddled him instead and guided her hips up and down, her vagina hugging his shaft. She followed suit, her hands on his chest, her hips going up and down.Her lingerie straps came down her shoulders, leaving her chest bare. He sat up and sucked on her nipples, hard, building her climax up slowly. His fingers was playing with her clitoris and she bucked more, feeling his rigid shaft brushing against the inner walls of her vagina. Either it was engorging or her vagina had became tighter. She concluded it was both. Pleasures built up in her, leaving her breathless and at last she exploded like a volcano. The orgasm was heaven - her nipples peaked, her breasts swollen, her skin hot and tingling, her vagina wet and warm, her body trembles. Moaning and falling back down the pillows, she saw her Adonis satisfied face and smiled. She felt him caressing her face, kissing her lips before leaving the bed.

“I’ll come back if you want me”.

She opened her eyes. She was alone. Her bolster was wet from all her feminine juices. She must have been straddling it instead of him. Her Adonis. Her Ghost. Is she still a virgin? Physically, something without a body had entered her. But mentally she had been penetrated and sent her into a world of erotic contentment. Before her parents got back, she changed out of her lingerie and hid it under the cupboard. She dressed in her conservative pajamas and changed the case of her bolster. She slept with the bedroom door open, dreaming her parents had looked in when they came home and found nothing strange.

In her dream, she made a deal with Him. Please come back again. Next time when I am alone.

The next day, her mother won a suite room reservation (all expense paid) at the towns’ most posh hotel. One night only, it had stated. And she needed only that one night.

I am unsure. One minute I feel sad. One minute I'm laughing away. Is this worth it? Feeling mad at someone, knowing that he doesn't even care. He doesn't care.

It doesn't matter if you are hurt or crying. He just don't care. He only thinks of himself. Hoping he will call? Never. Hoping he'll be online? No way.

Would he miss you? Maybe. Maybe not. He forgets easily. He may have forgotten you.

Hate this feeling - missing him, mad at him, thinking of him, feeling hurt of his actions. It's so contradicting and complicated you feel your heart all tied up in a knot.

Why would you care so much? He doesn't care. Can't you be that way too? Not too emotional. Not over-thinking. Not missing him.

I just wish I could stop thinking of him. Why does my world feel gloomy when I am mad at him? When he doesn't call?

I hate being this helpless. This pathetic. This stupid. 

 Arrrrggggggh! I don't need him to rule my life. I make myself happy. He is just a guy...........

I am but a convenient friend. It's easy to make one out of me, as my generous and forgiving nature betray me all the time. I make people feel good about themselves, so good that they become insensitive of my needs and feelings. Treating me like a best friend when they are lonely, and leaving me as an acquaintance when they find other more interesting people.

I am the boring type - listening more than talking, following more than leading and yes, empathize of others than caring about my own feelings. It's easy to make me that convenient friend. Just call me and I'll answer. Message me and I'll send a letter's worth of reply. Ask me out and I'll be ready in minutes. Maybe because I am boring I have no life. And when I think that I have found a friend I could be close and honest with, to pour my heart and soul when I'm feeling down - - -> they just ran away! Well, okay, only him.

It could be because of having the same horoscope sign. Being Leos, both needs to dominate, be the center of attention, being the one to be adored. And weirdly , I find so annoying how insensitive he could be sometimes. He only cares about his needs, and not others. He only cared about his condition and not how it may also affect his friends. He thinks the world revolves around him.

And me - the stupid, emotional and over thinking friend, getting hurt by his words, and actions. Annoyed after realizing he is indeed showing he does not think me as a GOOD friend, but a CONVENIENT friend. Sure, call me when you want or when you feel lonely. Hurt me with words, but wait for me to apologize first then return the same. Make as if he did nothing wrong, every fault comes from me. Well, I have had enough. You'll be my convenient friend too. I hate you. Maybe , just maybe, I have become attached to you. But why not? You seem to like being my friend. Oh I forgot. Only when it's convenient.

My turn now.

You are my convenient friend. Think no more about how you might think or feel when I say or do something. Just someone to chase my loneliness away. I hate you. Fake am I? Sure I can be fake. Let me be your fake best friend. How convenient.

The real problem about me is:

1) I may think too much!

2) I maybe a bit desperate... or easily attached to the feeling of being liked / wanted. I tend to read messages of people I like. Over and over and over again. Even when they actually mean nothing. Nonsense.

3) I may be in love with a Malchik Gey.  The truth is, I don't love him! (I think..!) I just felt we could be the best of friends. Of course, we've only been friends for like a month (?). I have fun with him, with no strings attach! Cos he's not interested in the opposite sex. I know!

4) I may be selfish. He's facing a serious problem at home. That's why he never messages! Or talk to me anymore! He may feel I'm not trustworthy enough.

5) I may just be a FUN friend to him. There to be with when he needs a fun night out or when he needs to complain!

6) He may have detected you depend on him. He may have realized you like him too much. He's afraid you may fall in love with him.

7) He may be trying to tell you " This is nothing serious! Stop trying to make me yours!"

8) I may be a little desperate. Okay, okay, A LOT! Or else I won't fall in love with A GAY FRIEND!

I don't think him as boyfriend material. More like a best friend material. I think I'm trying to make him think I am the BEST friend a person could have. But he changed so quickly, it seems my efforts are either wasted or not working....

IDIOT. BITCH. HE'S. JUST. A. FRIEND. LEAVE. HIM. ALONE. STOP. HOPING. HE. MAY. CALL. OR. FB. YOU. STOP.

1) Guys won't play games like girls. Unlike us, they won't pretend to be uninterested when they actually are. So don't go thinking , " Ohh, he's watching my every move but pretends not to do so..."

2) He's not interested in you just because you feel pretty yourself! He might not think you're pretty.

3) Stop over-thinking about what he says or what people say about him to you. For example ;

Third party Friend : Hey, is Lee coming to the wedding next week?

You (thinking 'What? He wants to come? Why? Is he coming there to meet me?') : Oh I dont know.

Pathetic.

4) Stop day-dreaming about having romantic moments with him! Stop imagining;

    a) How he looks at you when you are not looking

    b) him trying to flirt with you

    c) Him professing his undying love to you

    d)A date with him to the movies

    e) yourself showing him off to friends

    f) Him adoring you

    g) a marriage with him - from the proposal and wedding to getting kids!

5) Stop wondering if he wants to call you but afraid to because he feels inferior. He just not that interested.

6) His messages  does not mean anything. Don't read them over and over again.

7) Yes, he has a girlfriend. Stop denying that fact.

8)  Stop thinking only couples deserve happiness. Single woman can be happy too.

9) Look around you. He's not the only guy in the vicinity.

10)  If he compliments, that doesn't mean he's interested! If he calls, then he is.

11) He's only better than you if you are doubtful and with limited confidence.Show him you can live without him.

12) He makes the first move, not you. If he's interested, he will. If he doesn't, so be it.

13) NEVER fall in love too quickly. You can avoid this by finding a person's inner beauty, not his looks. 

It's been three years since my first blog.And at last, I got the job I had been vying for since graduated from my Bachelor's Degree. Three years of patience and my on and off faith of God's plan for me, I finally got it. I feel weird. It's just too easy. I feel like something's bound to go wrong. Well maybe I think too much. Some update about me :

1) Left the first job I ever have and loving it

2) Working currently at a new place. With my experience, my job here is easy as ABC.

3) Went to THREE successful interviews. One got me my current job and another my future job 4) Resigned at two different workplaces, in less than 6 months.

5) Accepted the dream job I've been waiting all my life for.

6) Has finally understand how to be friends with guys without thinking too much (Well, erm maybe)

7) Has NOT driven that damn car

8) Has NOT learn a new skill, or language

9) Has NOT gone to a vacation with best friends

10) Living extremely healthy -- cutting down on fat, carbs and white bread. Exercise at least 3 times a week, 5 if not too busy. I lost 6 kilos!!

11) I CAN SWIM!! Well, I'm learning but it's working! I float in water!

12) My non existent love life is still non existent

13) I finally am ready to go back to GOD

13 updates huh? Well, I guess life is really like riding a roller coaster. We go up and down. But at a roller coaster ride, you enjoy the thrill... In life.. not so much.